Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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