I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
