This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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