You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Randomize
