I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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