My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Soap is not a condiment
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
