I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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