We won't sleep together?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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