he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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