I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
