i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
