drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize