white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
