listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
