Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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