I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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