My liver just broke up with me...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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