Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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