We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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