Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
