WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
