yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize