after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
