Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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