i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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