I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
