i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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