Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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