Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Your penis caused this!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
