I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
