As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
