Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
