I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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