genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Holy shit dude........stairs
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
