so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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