I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
