you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
