but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
