i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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