Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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