Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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