Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
