He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
