i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
