i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
