Have you finally orgasmed yet?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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