awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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