i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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