I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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