Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
