pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize