I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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