When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize