take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Someone came in the potted fern
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
