You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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