can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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